Thursday, January 10, 2008

need a lullaby

My mind is a funny thing. The minute it realizes I plan to sleep it starts thinking of
People who I used to love, but now hate.
People who hate me (most probably).
People who died on me (no one should be allowed to do that).
People who are living and whom I continue to neglect.
Shahrukh Khan (he is the same age as me, and paying 27 crores advance tax, and I'm still wondering how many zeroes there are in a crore).
The increasing perimeter of my bald spots.
The rolls of fat on my frame (will I lose them in this lifetime?)
The newest hair on my chin.
Dhanno (what will I do when she leaves home?)
Teja (what will I do if he stops loving me?)
My mother (what will I do when she dies?)
My friends (remote in the real world, living across continents, cities, traffic jams)
My social skills (or lack of, therewith. A flagellating analysis of exactly how boring I am in company)
Myself at 16 (can't I, can't I, can't I go back, please?)

I'm sorry to report that my head doesn't think of
Global warming
Communal harmony
World peace
Social and economic inequality
Film making
Homeless children
Farmers' suicides
Or any of the things that I like to think I think about in the daytime.

Anyway, so, I pretend to my mind that I have no desire to sleep. I lie with my head propped up against the pillows, as if I'm reading. The bedside lamp is on. My eyes are open. I roll words over in my mind, relentlessly, as if it's a book I'm never going to put down. And the mind, deceived, exhausted, finally falls off to sleep. So what if I have a crick in the neck in the morning. I've found a cure for my insomnia.


Space Bar said...

Awww...*big hug*!

Manjushree Abhinav said...

So I am not the only one who obsesses about Shah Rukh.
Try thinking of these during the day sometime, then the night shift load might lessen.
I wonder if you have tried sea breathing ? Pretend you are near the ocean, strengthen the illusion by breathing like waves (deep breathing and deep sighing together).
I usually fall into a trance in minutes.

Indeterminacy said...

It's an incredible cure for insomnia - counting the things that keep you awake.

anja said...

really relate to this the pretending to your mind.

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