Saturday, October 10, 2009

acid trip

Who, Max? Wherefore art thou, Romeo? JD, JD, is that JD? Hello, hello.

Do you know who I am? I don't know who I am. Do you know who you are?

Sultan, Om, Kaizad. Max, oh Max.

I've found a hat.

Boom-boom. Boom-boom.

I've found a gas mask.

I will kill you. I could have killed you. We will be killed. He will kill us. Should I kill you?

Oh, Max.

Gas. Pentane. Temporary amnesia.

Chinese, Japani, Korean? **&%$#*@#$%. Oh, Indian.

Car 1. Car 2. Car 3. Car 4. Boom, boom, boom. Car 5. Car 6. Car 7.
Boom, boom.

Fire, water, guns. Boom.

Acid factory. Grills. Doors. Locks.

Who are you? Who am I? I will kill you. You will kill me?

Man in Black 1. Man in Black 2. Man in Black 3. Man in Black 4. Boom, boom, boom.

Find Max. How will I know her? She's wearing black.

Mud tracks. Bikes. Helmet out. Long hair flying. Leer. Leer. No kiss.

Gun 1. Gun 2. Gun 3. Boom, boom.

Bad friend. Good friend. Good cop. Bad guy. Bad girl. Leer, kiss.

Boat. Bike. Car. Bigger car. Bigger, bigger car. Boom.

Max. Romeo. Om. Sultan. Kaizad. JD. Sarthak. Mrs. Sarthak.
What's in a name?

JD. Kaizad. Sarthak. Sultan. Romeo. Om.

The Pentane gas escaped from the screen into the theatre. All of 7 viewers and 13 food vendors reeled with temporary amnesia.

What are we doing here? Why are we here? Have we died and come to hell?

Am I going to be trapped in eternity with 13 popcorn, samosa and soft drink sellers who will come to me every 3 seconds asking me to stuff my mouth with junk food? What horrible sins have I committed in my past life to be subjected to this?

I am alone. The other 6 viewers are in couples. I feel so sad. So bad. So black. So blue.

OK, OK. Let me come to my senses. Make some sense of this. To make sense is to combat hell.

What have we here? South Africa. 25 cars we can blow up. A yellow Lamborghini. An acid factory. Lots of semi-naked women writhing in ecstasy. Good girl 1 trying hard to be bad in black leather, high heels and fierce scowl. 3 blocks of wood in black. 3 actors in black. 1 actor forgotten in black. Good girl 2 struggling to be good in black. Gas. Guns. Bikes. Boats. Cars. Boom. Boom. Boom. Leer, kiss.

Where is the script, mother-father? Where is the script?

Who am I? Do you know who I am? Why am I here? We could be killed.

A more coherent review of 'Acid Factory' will soon appear in Tehelka.

Edited to add: And here it is, the Tehelka review.

11 comments:

eve's lungs said...

hmm .. timely, this review - will remember not to pay for wathing this film - will catch it on a Star Gold rerun two years hence :p

Kaevan said...

back to your biting best :)

dipali said...

The guys who make these films serve the cause of art by giving you the masala for your deliciously scathing reviews:)

agent green glass said...

heh heh. brilliant. i had a sneaky suspicion it would be pretty crappy. but the review was fantastic.

SUR NOTES said...

as lawrence would say: you trip acid. I trip banno.

our dear editing lawrence, in case you did not realise.

memsaab said...

From what I've heard your review above is already way more coherent than the film.

This is why I stick with old ones. Even the bad ones aren't as so very annoying as new bad ones (maybe because filmmakers should have learned something by now?)...

perplexed said...

Best review ever!! more entertaining than the movie for sure!

Sujatha said...

LOLOL! Your reviews make me want to watch the movies just so I can relive your reviews! Damn!

memsaab said...

Oh Banno, excellent review in Tehelka :)

http://tehelka.com/story_main43.asp?filename=hub241009the_take.asp

Grasshopper said...

This review was coherent enough, thankyou.

illusionaire said...

hehehe... classic! I feel like I've just watched the entire movie from your short but precise review. lolz. But I saw the trailer and I was quite impressed with the CGs. But then, when "D-Wars" hit the screen, the trailer CG was amazing too, but when we watched the movie, it sucked so much I felt like puking.

Nice review version on Tehelka too :D