Monday, July 07, 2008

Scenes from the making of 'Chaman in love', no, sorry, 'Love 2050'

Mummyji: "Listen, Chaman's father, Chaman is now exactly like Hrithik Roshan. It's time now we launched him."
Daddyji: "Chaman's mother, what are you saying, is Chaman 6 ft, 2" now?"
Mummyji: "That's what I am saying to you."
Daddyji: "Oh, you deserve a diamond necklace for this."
Mummyji simpers: "No, no, what have I done?"
Daddyji: "Why, you have fed this handsome son of ours with milk and parathas, looked after him so well, made him into a strapping young man. Now see what I do. My son will blast this industry."

Dialogue writer: "Sir, I thought this can be his catch-line. 'Karan Malhotra, Age 27, Status single and ...' the last word keeps changing. You know, depending on what he is doing, sitting, standing, whatever."
Daddyji: "Good, good. But make that 'Age 23'."
Dialogue writer: "But Sir, I thought Chamanji was 27. It's there in all the papers."
Daddyji: "No, no, once we say he is 23, he will be 23. Anyway, who reads the papers?"

Daddyji: "No, no, Chaman, please don't act. You must not have any expression on your face. Please. When you make any facial gestures, you stop looking like Hrithik Roshan. So, please, just listen to what I am telling you. No, no acting. You can jump, swing, run, dance. Walk like a stud. Move your whole body, but not your face, please."

Daddyji: "So Chaman, there is this butterfly, who will live through the ages, and show you the way, whenever you are stuck. It works better than the Global Positioning system or Google. So, you never need to take the phone number, address or email id of the girl you love. The butterfly will find her for you, wherever she is. And when the butterfly falters, your Uncle's time machine will come in handy. Isn't it lucky for you that your Uncle lives in the same remote town as your lady love? And that he gave up his job in NASA to work on his time machine? All for you, son, all for you. After all, even God bends his rules for those who love."

Daddyji: "Chaman, Chaman, so what if the country has not changed much in the last 200 years, in the next 42 years, it will jump ahead in leaps and bounds, son, in leaps and bounds. That is technology. But you are the hero, you must not look amazed by it. You must take it all in your stride, shell houses, flying cars, cute robots, androids and all. Please, please, no expression, no expression. Poor people? In Mumbai 2050? Oh, they will be eliminated. Deleted. Maybe, they are underground. I don't know, Chaman. Stop irritating me. This is not a story about poor people. It is a story about love."

Daddyji: "So what, Chaman, if you are in a strange, futuristic city? You are a hero. Of course, you can suddenly become a rock star, and get a stage show at the top place in town. You don't need luck, you have love, after all. No, no, no. Dance as a form never changes. What Hrithik Roshan did in 'Kaho Na Pyaar Hai' is classic dance. It will remain in peoples' hearts forever. Do that, do that, just listen to what I am telling you."

Mixing engineer: "Sir, will you come soon? We have a crisis here."
Daddyji: "What happened?"
Mixing engineer: "Chamanji insists on dubbing in a deep voice."
Daddyji: "I'll be right there."

Daddyji: "No, no, Chaman, please don't speak in your natural voice. You must have a nasal twang. That is what made Hrithik Roshan a star. Yes, yes, slip back and forth from Punjabi accent to unidentifiable NRI accent. Our people love it. It makes them feel as if you are like them, fake accents give you a little-boy charm. No, no, through your nose, through your nose. Please, Chaman."

Daddyji: "Chaman, if only you had had an extra thumb. I did everything I could. But what can I do if God didn't give you an extra thumb. If you'd had it, you'd have been a super-hit, son. A super-hit. No, Chaman, the story has nothing to do with it. Of course, it's a good story. Has anyone else thought of this idea before? Getting back a girlfriend from the future, time machine and all. It's very original, son, very original. No, it's nothing to do with not letting you act. Or your nasal twang. It's the extra thumb, I tell you. That did us in. Chaman's mother, you should have thought of that. Maybe we could have done something about it, when he was growing up."
Mummyji sighs sadly.

'Chaman' is often used as a nick-name for someone who is goofy, a little dumb, a little out of it. Teja insists on calling the hapless hero of 'Love 2050' "Chaman".

21 comments:

dipali said...

Of course Billo Chaman Bahaar in Omkaara was a different kettle of Chaman altogether!

Have abs. no intentions of seeing this one, thanks. Loved your review:)

I thoroughly enjoyed Jaane Tu Ya Jaane Na- good fun, mostly, with some brilliant touches. Now 'Pappu Can't Dance Saala' has taken over the brain, isn't going out. Help!!!!

memsaab said...

Okay, Banno, this is the best movie review I have EVER read.

***falls off chair laughing***

Imran Khan Blog said...

Awesome write up.

Anonymous said...

got your blog link from greatbong's blog post...this one is sooooooooooooooooo good...very funny...awesome post i must say

Rum said...

hahahaha this is the funniest review ever, it does justice to the backwass that is Harman Baweja!

ajnabi said...

LOLOL Memsaab was right. This is the funniest review of the movie I've read yet, and its awfulness has inspired some real gems.

parotechnics said...

Man - now I feel bad for Chaman. Well I've been feeling bad for him right since the promos came out. Everything about him, from his hair colour to his voice seemed like use zang kha gayi thi.

Somehow this review makes me want to see the film.....

SUR NOTES said...

the review made me laugh. and yes, i agree with paro, now i am curious.

but seeing rival actor visit your blog and say awesome write up made me giggle all the more.

Banno said...

Dipali, Rum, Ajnabi, Imran, thanks.

Memsaab, a big, big thanks.

Paro, Yes, watch it. I feel sorry too for the guy. Dhanno thought my review was very mean, and had me delete it once. Then allowed me to put it back again. But hopefully, he'll make up for this set-back in all the big budget flicks he has already signed.

Sur, Ohh, didn't realize that the comment was from rival actor blog. Dope. Me. You know, Imran too didn't do much in terms of acting in his debut film. But the director used him in a way that his weak points became charming. Poor Chaman. Even his assets became laughable because of this fixation with Hrithik Roshan. It's very disconcerting to watch.

bollyviewer said...

Was planning to watch this one out of sheer curiousity as it seems to have been unanimously trashed everywhere. But your review settles it - no movie can ever be as much fun as this review is. So, will just read and re-read your review for my daily laughs quota. :-D

Grasshopper said...

yaar, such bataa. Were you drunk or were you stoned ? This is hilarious.

rahul said...

chaman 2050 is a super hit..atleast on paper..ROFL!!!!

Banno said...

No, no, Bollyviewer, watch the film. It IS funny.

Grasshopper, I wish. But am a boring person. Can't go beyond 1 bottle of beer or 2 glasses of wine.

Rahul, thanks. What does ROFL mean, though? Sorry, am really bad with abbreviations.

dipali said...

ROFL: Rolling On Floor Laughing.

Shweta Mehrotra Gahlawat said...

omg Banno- ur a genius- this post is amazzzzzing! I love chaman, I've decided- he needs love after so much cloning - rofl

Stan Johns said...

Hi Banno,

I have checked with the others in the surgery and neither they nor I have any idea what the film is or who the people are you describe, much to our embarrassment. Your mono/dialogue amused us hugely despite this though my aging bones won't quite allow me to ROFL (I think that was Rahul's term).

Do you know if I can see the film down here on the South Coast?

All the best,

Stan

MindbenD said...

nice one :)

opus_orangerie said...

i guess i'm a wee bit late too post here......

but 'chaman' as i found him from the promos.......seemed more like a mongrel....sort of cross between hritik and emraan hashmi.......

i think the entire movie had a mongrel like feel to it.....

in terms of the story......
it went like star wars meet kate and leopold.....

music wise...
a direct lift from the osts of star wars.....and stuff composed by john williams,john carpenter and jim morrison......

the sets......art direction and production design....

puke puke puke......
it hardly even looked futuristic....
maybe senior chaman should have seen 2001- a space odessey in the seventies to have an idea of how to visualize futuristic in the first place......

it was like one puts a plastic imagery of dung to represent dung........cow shit or cattle shit atleast is useful as fuel......
alas this is more of toxic dung.......

costumes.....

again the same story goes for this one.....even a david dhawan did a zillion times better job for 'hero no.1' or 'jis desh mein ganga rehta hain'......

maybe what would have worked for him would be a role of secondary 'khalasi'.......that's a subordinate to a truck driver who helps him reverse the truck giving indications whether to move back and forth........

the mad momma said...

ROFL..loved this one Banno.

prabaharan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Pitu said...

Hahahahahahahaaaaa Awesome!! Actually, I am grateful to the Bawejas for adding one more weapon to my ever-bulging armoury. If I need to piss someone off, I start humming "Hey you, loverboy, will you be my toy". Wah Wah, lajawab.